Sepu and I thought of celebrating in Miri, and invite some of our friends for makan-makan kecil, but suddenly yesterday, my parents missing my daughter so much syndrome was getting so hard to dismiss that they have made the decision to sponsor our air tickets Myy-Kch-Myy...
They have been thinking of coming to Miri for quite sometimes, but later on, the plan was deemed as impractical and "not to be entertained" anymore... As, Dedek would be left in Kuching alone because she has just started working, while Aedun would find it hard to choose between Miri and Kuching.
So, we are coming back Kuching this Raya Haji... & my parents is going to pay for the tickets yeayyy...
Showing posts with label Hope.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope.... Show all posts
Friday, 30 October 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
The Irreplaceable Void
I received this in my email this afternoon... A story worth sharing:
4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation: "Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight , I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'.
But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.
Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain.
I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: "But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say..... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly.
On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart.... Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men: Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable. Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.
4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation: "Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight , I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'.
But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.
Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain.
I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: "But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say..... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly.
On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart.... Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men: Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable. Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.
Sunday, 3 February 2008
24th Day
Today is the 24th day of my confinement. It has been a week since we landed in Kuching. Irdina was great in the plane, she did not cry, she slept all the way through.
Today, Shaiful is here beside me. He came on Friday. At least i have somebody to talk to, and ask for help whenever needed. Not that i could not ask for help from other people in this house, but asking help from my own husband doesn't create an awkward feeling in me. We are into this together.
I am not healed yet... still have tingling hurting here and there, especially at the cesarean wound... but I have always been a good self motivator, with high spirit to succeed. So, i guessed, those criteria helped me a lot in this journey to regain my health.
Had fever last night, 38.7 DC... I was afraid that this could be sign of infection... i was hoping that the fever will subside with lots of water drinking and a course of Vit C. Luckily the temperature plummeted to 37.5 DC just before dawn.
Irdina slept quite well last night. She's adapting to the real world... I am adapting, more like we are adapting with her presence... Babah and mama were ecstatic and still are. They will always be thinking about Irdina from now on, i can bet on that.
Pray... Godspeed the recovery, amiin...
Today, Shaiful is here beside me. He came on Friday. At least i have somebody to talk to, and ask for help whenever needed. Not that i could not ask for help from other people in this house, but asking help from my own husband doesn't create an awkward feeling in me. We are into this together.
I am not healed yet... still have tingling hurting here and there, especially at the cesarean wound... but I have always been a good self motivator, with high spirit to succeed. So, i guessed, those criteria helped me a lot in this journey to regain my health.
Had fever last night, 38.7 DC... I was afraid that this could be sign of infection... i was hoping that the fever will subside with lots of water drinking and a course of Vit C. Luckily the temperature plummeted to 37.5 DC just before dawn.
Irdina slept quite well last night. She's adapting to the real world... I am adapting, more like we are adapting with her presence... Babah and mama were ecstatic and still are. They will always be thinking about Irdina from now on, i can bet on that.
Pray... Godspeed the recovery, amiin...
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
Silhouette? Dream about it for now achieve it some other day ;)
It has been two weeks since I've given birth to my little Irdina... Have i gained or lost weight? Frankly, I've lost only 4kgs, out of the 12 kgs gained during pregnancy... but I've gained some of the shape back... "SOME"... my stomach is not as bulging as the first day after delivery... ehehe.
I have never felt as rejuvenated as while in confinement... with hot soups (vege or chic or fish) with lots of ginger as main menu... my body adjusted well... but the downside is... Rashes and itchiness at spots where there have once been plastered with band aids or surgery bands... all over... itchy, i could not keep my hands off the places, except for the area around the c-section, no way am i going to 'disturb' the healing site...
Baby is now following better sleep schedule... ahahaha... better for the mother too that is... she used to sleep the whole morning, wakes up in the afternoon to have some 'lunch' then sleep again till late afternoon. After bath, she'll have her dinner and sleeps again until around 11 pm before getting up and play... till dawn... mommy has been following the routine for nearly 10 great days, and suddenly last night, she slept through the night to wake up at around 4 am to play... guess why??? she slept with mama for the first time last night... first time in the sense of sleeping beside mama on the same bed, instead of sleeping in her own cot...
Back to the outline of the body... goshhh... I've been eating a lot nowadays... baby's appetite is good too, so, mommy's body needs to support the requirement... is it an excuse? noooooo... it's not an excuse. I've tried to control but i felt faint and really hungry... so, keep the silhouette thing as dream for the moment... and reminisce about this again in 3-4 months time... hopefully :p
I have never felt as rejuvenated as while in confinement... with hot soups (vege or chic or fish) with lots of ginger as main menu... my body adjusted well... but the downside is... Rashes and itchiness at spots where there have once been plastered with band aids or surgery bands... all over... itchy, i could not keep my hands off the places, except for the area around the c-section, no way am i going to 'disturb' the healing site...
Baby is now following better sleep schedule... ahahaha... better for the mother too that is... she used to sleep the whole morning, wakes up in the afternoon to have some 'lunch' then sleep again till late afternoon. After bath, she'll have her dinner and sleeps again until around 11 pm before getting up and play... till dawn... mommy has been following the routine for nearly 10 great days, and suddenly last night, she slept through the night to wake up at around 4 am to play... guess why??? she slept with mama for the first time last night... first time in the sense of sleeping beside mama on the same bed, instead of sleeping in her own cot...
Back to the outline of the body... goshhh... I've been eating a lot nowadays... baby's appetite is good too, so, mommy's body needs to support the requirement... is it an excuse? noooooo... it's not an excuse. I've tried to control but i felt faint and really hungry... so, keep the silhouette thing as dream for the moment... and reminisce about this again in 3-4 months time... hopefully :p
Monday, 21 January 2008
Our Shaima Irdina Binti Shaiful Ridzuan
A happy family... hope that there will be an increase in number again next year :D
I imagine that it would be a good feeling of having baby moves inside you, and another one or two or three or four or more, playing, laughing, babbling with you :D Godspeed...
I imagine that it would be a good feeling of having baby moves inside you, and another one or two or three or four or more, playing, laughing, babbling with you :D Godspeed...
Friday, 4 January 2008
Its 04/01/08... Not too late to wish you Happy New Year???
ermmm... Happy new year... next week, muslims will be celebrating new year too... on the 10th, AWAL MUHARRAM, MA'AL HIJRAH... and on the 11/01/2008, 2 Muharram 1429 Hijrah... I'd be having the 1st major operation... a c-section... ermmm... Happy New Year, Happy New Experience, Happy New Baby, Happy New Mother, Happy New Father, Happy New Grandmother, Happy New Grandfather, Happy New Uncle and Happy New Auntie...
Mama and babah will be coming on the 10th, 4.30pm flight... i should have bought the earlier flight but, like always, it's the short term memory loss... :p Sepu will be coming on the 9th, late flight though... so, maybe, we'd be waking up late the next morning... aedun and dedek are already here... whatever it is, i consider myself lucky to have everybody i love near on the day... one of the most important day of my life...
I'd be fasting starting 12 midnight 11/01/2008, and will need to go to the hospital before 7am... nervous, but really looking forward... Hopefully, everything will turn up fine... amin...
Baby is kicking right now, and moving... what is she doing in there? ermmm... I know that babies tend to sleep more towards the end of mom's pregnancy... my baby, she moves at night, when mama's preparing herself for a good night sleep... kiss baby, hug baby, love baby... muuuah :*
Mama and babah will be coming on the 10th, 4.30pm flight... i should have bought the earlier flight but, like always, it's the short term memory loss... :p Sepu will be coming on the 9th, late flight though... so, maybe, we'd be waking up late the next morning... aedun and dedek are already here... whatever it is, i consider myself lucky to have everybody i love near on the day... one of the most important day of my life...
I'd be fasting starting 12 midnight 11/01/2008, and will need to go to the hospital before 7am... nervous, but really looking forward... Hopefully, everything will turn up fine... amin...
Baby is kicking right now, and moving... what is she doing in there? ermmm... I know that babies tend to sleep more towards the end of mom's pregnancy... my baby, she moves at night, when mama's preparing herself for a good night sleep... kiss baby, hug baby, love baby... muuuah :*
Friday, 14 December 2007
Family matter...
Today, i found my brother's blog... made me cry... touched with what he felt / had been feeling all this while...
I have 2 brothers and a little sister... The younger brother passed away 5 years ago at the tender age 19... Now we are 3 in numbers instead of four.
I love all of them with my whole heart... missing them every minute... thinking about them, what are they doing, are they happy? But they will never know this... I could only call them once in a while... sometimes, i would be there with them, but only sometimes... It would be like this, had been like this for a long time. I was always far away... but rest assure, i've never been apart... they are always on my mind, forever in my heart...
About my brother, aedun's blog...
He sounds lonely, i could feel that... and he has lost touch with himself... he needs something to pull him through the blackness that has been engulfing his life since... since when... i do not know... From the way that he's written the blog, he has no more relationship with his long stretched long distance girlfriend... but i could feel that they remained as friends since.... When did this happen? Started long time ago, i presume...
Their relationship has never been easy... Mama was reluctant at first, dont know why... maybe the distance? I've asked her about her feelings, and she denied of not liking the girl... it was just that somebody's going to take her son from her. She needed assurance that she will not lose anything by giving away his 'baby boy'... All mothers feel this way, dont they? ermmm... maybe not all...
How about her parents? They would be feeling the same way i guess... but they have acted differently when our family visited them way back in November 2002... 4 months before eddie passed away...
I always like the girl... for me, as long as she loves my brother and is willing to be by his side, for better and for worse... nothing else matter... she has been a great friend... and I know that she would become a great sister in law too... But when will this happen? Or would this happen?
Love is blind???
Long distance relationships do not always end with break-ups... I've faced the same thing, but luckily for me... our relationship is blessed...
I would like to see my brother found his happiness... amiin... Please... find your happiness Dun... nobody can help you... reluctance are just excuses... find ways if you really want to be happy... if you want what you want... dont pity yourself... strive... please strive!!!
My sister is coming tomorrow, it's her school holiday... and the brother will be here starting 25/12/2007, until i give birth... then we'll be going back together, to Kuching. It has been 2 months since my last trip... and in January, will be back there with the new addition to the family, amiin...
My husband is also coming next week, till 02/01/2008... and he'll be on call then... waiting for the labor!
I have 2 brothers and a little sister... The younger brother passed away 5 years ago at the tender age 19... Now we are 3 in numbers instead of four.
I love all of them with my whole heart... missing them every minute... thinking about them, what are they doing, are they happy? But they will never know this... I could only call them once in a while... sometimes, i would be there with them, but only sometimes... It would be like this, had been like this for a long time. I was always far away... but rest assure, i've never been apart... they are always on my mind, forever in my heart...
About my brother, aedun's blog...
He sounds lonely, i could feel that... and he has lost touch with himself... he needs something to pull him through the blackness that has been engulfing his life since... since when... i do not know... From the way that he's written the blog, he has no more relationship with his long stretched long distance girlfriend... but i could feel that they remained as friends since.... When did this happen? Started long time ago, i presume...
Their relationship has never been easy... Mama was reluctant at first, dont know why... maybe the distance? I've asked her about her feelings, and she denied of not liking the girl... it was just that somebody's going to take her son from her. She needed assurance that she will not lose anything by giving away his 'baby boy'... All mothers feel this way, dont they? ermmm... maybe not all...
How about her parents? They would be feeling the same way i guess... but they have acted differently when our family visited them way back in November 2002... 4 months before eddie passed away...
I always like the girl... for me, as long as she loves my brother and is willing to be by his side, for better and for worse... nothing else matter... she has been a great friend... and I know that she would become a great sister in law too... But when will this happen? Or would this happen?
Love is blind???
Long distance relationships do not always end with break-ups... I've faced the same thing, but luckily for me... our relationship is blessed...
I would like to see my brother found his happiness... amiin... Please... find your happiness Dun... nobody can help you... reluctance are just excuses... find ways if you really want to be happy... if you want what you want... dont pity yourself... strive... please strive!!!
My sister is coming tomorrow, it's her school holiday... and the brother will be here starting 25/12/2007, until i give birth... then we'll be going back together, to Kuching. It has been 2 months since my last trip... and in January, will be back there with the new addition to the family, amiin...
My husband is also coming next week, till 02/01/2008... and he'll be on call then... waiting for the labor!
Thursday, 6 December 2007
34-Week Check Up
Had my 34-Week check up at 10am today. No ultrasound done as the machine was broken. Dr. Aida is still waiting for a new machine (demo or owned), and I asked her nurse to call me up when the machine is ready, as I would like to see my baby.
For more info about the baby, as usual, visit This Journey at http://shaifulmazlinajourney.blogspot.com/
For more info about the baby, as usual, visit This Journey at http://shaifulmazlinajourney.blogspot.com/
Monday, 26 November 2007
My anniversary today...
Today, 26/11/2007 – Our 2nd Anniversary… an achievement… Alhamdulillah.
On our wedding day...
Raya, 13/11/2007
Last night, I could not sleep much. Sepu was still on the road at 1.30 am… He started his journey to Jengka at around 6.30, and came back to KL at 10 something. I called him more than 3 times, to ask for their destination. They arrived at Bukit Jalil at about 2 am. Sepu did not call me, he insisted that he sent me an sms, but I could not find anything from him. But at least I know that he’s at home, and getting ready to sleep…
This morning, I woke up quite late… called Sepu to wake him up, but, as usual, he’ll go back to sleep until he’s ready… just like babies… couldn’t imagine how my baby would be like. Will the baby be as sound a sleeper as the father, or as light as the mother? Ermmm… we’ll see. Hopefully, she’ll be like the father when she’s still the baby, but easier to wake her up once she’s grown up… She has lots of deep sleeper (plus not easy to wake up) DNA in her, the grandmother (my mother) the auntie (ibu dedek) and the uncle (ami aedun)… My father falls asleep easily, but it’s not hard to wake him up though…
What else happened today? The first time baby kicked my rib, and it was painful. But she kicked just once. Good baby!
About the baby’s name? If it’s a girl as predicted, it would be… surprise!
On our wedding day...
Raya, 13/11/2007
Last night, I could not sleep much. Sepu was still on the road at 1.30 am… He started his journey to Jengka at around 6.30, and came back to KL at 10 something. I called him more than 3 times, to ask for their destination. They arrived at Bukit Jalil at about 2 am. Sepu did not call me, he insisted that he sent me an sms, but I could not find anything from him. But at least I know that he’s at home, and getting ready to sleep…
This morning, I woke up quite late… called Sepu to wake him up, but, as usual, he’ll go back to sleep until he’s ready… just like babies… couldn’t imagine how my baby would be like. Will the baby be as sound a sleeper as the father, or as light as the mother? Ermmm… we’ll see. Hopefully, she’ll be like the father when she’s still the baby, but easier to wake her up once she’s grown up… She has lots of deep sleeper (plus not easy to wake up) DNA in her, the grandmother (my mother) the auntie (ibu dedek) and the uncle (ami aedun)… My father falls asleep easily, but it’s not hard to wake him up though…
What else happened today? The first time baby kicked my rib, and it was painful. But she kicked just once. Good baby!
About the baby’s name? If it’s a girl as predicted, it would be… surprise!
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Today is a great day...
When i read about my frustrations below, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing hard...
Sepu got his leave approved, but with conditions... he will need to get his work done before going. People advised him to cancel his leave and his ticket, but... i was the one who bought the ticket, and really it cost me a lot of money... MAS tickets nowadays going up like 'soyuz'... better buy them at travel agent then buying them thru the internet, especially during holiday seasons...
Arriving at 11.10pm last night, he’s so excited looking at my ever-expanding belly… I felt really blessed last night, and could sleep even better than any babies (assumption).
Prediction at Week 26, its baby boy… and today, it’s a girl… ehehe… I just don’t care of the gender, what I do care is that the baby is healthy and doing fine… and I am healthy, and look ‘strong’, said George just now.
I am really tired right now. Don’t know how to describe the fatigue. It has been 2 weeks since I’ve got decent rest on weekends… so, how about this weekend then… ermmmm not sure! I have the feeling that this weekend would be hectic with shopping and going places -> Brunei.
I am counting minutes now, it’s 15.38pm, and I plan to go home as early as 4pm today. I’m having my break, hope that nobody will judge me… just because I go home early once in a while.
What am I going to do tonight? Arranging the furniture should they come today? Ermmm… whatever…
What is Sepu doing at home? He went to the Lutong Clinic just now, being prescribed cough syrup… so, I guess, he is now ‘busy’ sleeping.
15 minutes to go… what a day ;)
Sepu got his leave approved, but with conditions... he will need to get his work done before going. People advised him to cancel his leave and his ticket, but... i was the one who bought the ticket, and really it cost me a lot of money... MAS tickets nowadays going up like 'soyuz'... better buy them at travel agent then buying them thru the internet, especially during holiday seasons...
Arriving at 11.10pm last night, he’s so excited looking at my ever-expanding belly… I felt really blessed last night, and could sleep even better than any babies (assumption).
Prediction at Week 26, its baby boy… and today, it’s a girl… ehehe… I just don’t care of the gender, what I do care is that the baby is healthy and doing fine… and I am healthy, and look ‘strong’, said George just now.
I am really tired right now. Don’t know how to describe the fatigue. It has been 2 weeks since I’ve got decent rest on weekends… so, how about this weekend then… ermmmm not sure! I have the feeling that this weekend would be hectic with shopping and going places -> Brunei.
I am counting minutes now, it’s 15.38pm, and I plan to go home as early as 4pm today. I’m having my break, hope that nobody will judge me… just because I go home early once in a while.
What am I going to do tonight? Arranging the furniture should they come today? Ermmm… whatever…
What is Sepu doing at home? He went to the Lutong Clinic just now, being prescribed cough syrup… so, I guess, he is now ‘busy’ sleeping.
15 minutes to go… what a day ;)
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Frustrations... Shattered hopes for the week...
This week starts with frustration and may end with frustrations as well…
Monday, it was the liaison officer case… my paper should have been submitted to JTC, but because of lack of common sense by somebody I presume, the paper is further delayed to next week. But the problem is, there will be no JTC next week… so, the frustration expanded into a massive balloon ready to explode… I will have to endure the waiting for the 12/11/2007 JTC then…
Tuesday, that’s today… Sepu called me this morning, telling me that his ‘cuti’ has not been approved by his supervisor. What kind of supervisor is that, realizing that his subordinate lives far apart from his wife, and needs to be with his wife especially during this time, when his wife is 7 months pregnant? A cruel one indeed… I’ve prepared my heart and soul for my husband to come this weekend, a long one since 3 weeks ago… 3 weeks… really, where’s the consideration of a leader, a boss? I just could not describe the frustration… I cried and could not utter any words… luckily I’ve done with my Pump ARR, so, the frustration could only affect the mood, and not the work.
I should have gone to the specialist yesterday, for my monthly check up… but because of him coming back to Miri on Wednesday, I’ve changed the appointment to Thursday… and now?
I just don’t know what to expect anymore. I dream of this weekend together, I’ve prayed for the Wednesday to come as fast as the days could pass… but none of the dream and prayer seems to materialize now… NONE!
I’ve never mentioned about any flaws in our relationship… Never… cause there never was any flaw… Our frustrations come / came from others… and the frustration of not having this weekend with him is a big thing to me… something that next week could never compensate…
Frustrations forecast…
Wednesday, he should have come to Miri tonight! Even bought new pillows for him, so that we would not ‘quarrel’ over pillows and blanket…
Thursday, plan of having breakfast and lunch and dinner with him… and going to Columbia Asia, for him to see the baby moving for the first time… Don’t you pity us? He has never seen his baby moving in the womb… the first and only time he’s there with me during ultrasound was at Week 7… and now, I’m into my 30th Week… goshhhh…
Friday, plan of going to my relatives’ house for the closing of Syawal… but??? Plan of going to Courts Mammoth and buy mattresses for the double decker, buy sofa set… buy my wardrobe, and baby’s wardrobe…
Saturday, plan of no more weekend working today… just for him… plan of going to Brunei… but? Plan of arranging our new furniture (should they arrive today)… and plan to move my big fridge to the kitchen, as I would like to decorate the back room for my auntie… plan to … whatever… I’ve forgotten most of my plans…
Sunday, plan to have nasi lemak as breakfast… plan to just relax as he’d be going back tonight… plan….
Monday, it was the liaison officer case… my paper should have been submitted to JTC, but because of lack of common sense by somebody I presume, the paper is further delayed to next week. But the problem is, there will be no JTC next week… so, the frustration expanded into a massive balloon ready to explode… I will have to endure the waiting for the 12/11/2007 JTC then…
Tuesday, that’s today… Sepu called me this morning, telling me that his ‘cuti’ has not been approved by his supervisor. What kind of supervisor is that, realizing that his subordinate lives far apart from his wife, and needs to be with his wife especially during this time, when his wife is 7 months pregnant? A cruel one indeed… I’ve prepared my heart and soul for my husband to come this weekend, a long one since 3 weeks ago… 3 weeks… really, where’s the consideration of a leader, a boss? I just could not describe the frustration… I cried and could not utter any words… luckily I’ve done with my Pump ARR, so, the frustration could only affect the mood, and not the work.
I should have gone to the specialist yesterday, for my monthly check up… but because of him coming back to Miri on Wednesday, I’ve changed the appointment to Thursday… and now?
I just don’t know what to expect anymore. I dream of this weekend together, I’ve prayed for the Wednesday to come as fast as the days could pass… but none of the dream and prayer seems to materialize now… NONE!
I’ve never mentioned about any flaws in our relationship… Never… cause there never was any flaw… Our frustrations come / came from others… and the frustration of not having this weekend with him is a big thing to me… something that next week could never compensate…
Frustrations forecast…
Wednesday, he should have come to Miri tonight! Even bought new pillows for him, so that we would not ‘quarrel’ over pillows and blanket…
Thursday, plan of having breakfast and lunch and dinner with him… and going to Columbia Asia, for him to see the baby moving for the first time… Don’t you pity us? He has never seen his baby moving in the womb… the first and only time he’s there with me during ultrasound was at Week 7… and now, I’m into my 30th Week… goshhhh…
Friday, plan of going to my relatives’ house for the closing of Syawal… but??? Plan of going to Courts Mammoth and buy mattresses for the double decker, buy sofa set… buy my wardrobe, and baby’s wardrobe…
Saturday, plan of no more weekend working today… just for him… plan of going to Brunei… but? Plan of arranging our new furniture (should they arrive today)… and plan to move my big fridge to the kitchen, as I would like to decorate the back room for my auntie… plan to … whatever… I’ve forgotten most of my plans…
Sunday, plan to have nasi lemak as breakfast… plan to just relax as he’d be going back tonight… plan….
Monday, 18 June 2007
ermmmm...
I've been busy updating This Journey and deprived of ideas for Legacy... ermmm lets see...
Went to see Dr today, then scanned, got new EDD, feeling slightly better...
Concentration on work improving. Finished one report today. Still have a long list to be done...
I wish Sepu is here... now... :S
Pasted this in Journey... this is my favorite photo of the day...
Reminder for my next appointment... it's 09th July 2007... pray!!!
Went to see Dr today, then scanned, got new EDD, feeling slightly better...
Concentration on work improving. Finished one report today. Still have a long list to be done...
I wish Sepu is here... now... :S
Pasted this in Journey... this is my favorite photo of the day...
Reminder for my next appointment... it's 09th July 2007... pray!!!
Friday, 8 June 2007
Ampunkanlah...
I was not in mood to do anything for the past 2 weeks... since that ultrasound... but now, i am back... with wishes and hopes that i will never have to face that dreadful feeling anymore...
Thank you Allah, for getting me out from misery. Thank you Allah for your love, even when I nearly fail you… you have never left me alone.
I am fine... the baby is fine... Alhamdulillah... Come and join me at http://shaifulmazlinajourney.blogspot.com/... a journey/pursue full of bonding and hopes...
Thank you Allah, for getting me out from misery. Thank you Allah for your love, even when I nearly fail you… you have never left me alone.
I am fine... the baby is fine... Alhamdulillah... Come and join me at http://shaifulmazlinajourney.blogspot.com/... a journey/pursue full of bonding and hopes...
Thursday, 24 May 2007
HOPEFULNESS OR HOPELESSNESS?
Did scanning again today but could not locate any sac. Came out from Doctor’s office near to tears, as if everything is hopeless. Dr remained positive and asked me to wait for another 2 weeks to confirm again but I am just in a very negative mood right now to even think of what is going to happen after 2 weeks.
Would this be a second time my own body shatter the hope that it created? Sepu asked me not to cry but how could I not? I have faced this situation once, and I am afraid that I would have to face the same hopelessness again, and again, and again…
How can i be strong?
Would this be a second time my own body shatter the hope that it created? Sepu asked me not to cry but how could I not? I have faced this situation once, and I am afraid that I would have to face the same hopelessness again, and again, and again…
How can i be strong?
Monday, 21 May 2007
Happy Birthday to Me...
Today, i'm celebrating my 31st birthday... feeling old? nahhhh... I'm feeling good... nausea here and there, something that is most welcome at this stage ahahaha... some people might not agree with me, but this dizziness, uncomfortable it may be, but yet beautiful...
Celebrating birthday alone? nahhhh, i'm celebrating mine with friends. I'm going to KL this afternoon, and i have plan to treat myself with self-bought presents... ehehehe... Weekend??? Sayang, I'm counting days, get my present(s) ready :p
Celebrating birthday alone? nahhhh, i'm celebrating mine with friends. I'm going to KL this afternoon, and i have plan to treat myself with self-bought presents... ehehehe... Weekend??? Sayang, I'm counting days, get my present(s) ready :p
Friday, 18 May 2007
I am too calculative!!!
I am not calculating debts though... i am calculating my symptoms... Doctor advised me to watch out for my symptoms. I should be more relaxed, and not calculating each day and each symptoms... measuring how hurt, how long... gossshhhh... more anxious moment will come in later part of the pregnancy, so, i should stop worrying about things that may or may not happen... nauzubillah...
I've promised myself to be cool!!! But i could not!!! Whenever i stop feeling the nausea, i'd be like, "wo'oh, what's happening, is this normal for me?" as everybody will have their own experience, no 2 pregnancies are the same... each will have its own distinctiveness, as each woman is unique by nature itself... but surely for a same person, she will be feeling some kind of "sameness" in all pregnancy... i am afraid actually... past experience is something that i could not forget, but actually, something that i should let go, if not a year ago, its NOWWWW!!!
Ya Allah, help me, guide me to be strong... I need to be strong... for me, for my Shaiful and for this baby... Please Allah... give me strength... give me hope... let me feel that beautiful feeling without even a tiny doubt...
I've promised myself to be cool!!! But i could not!!! Whenever i stop feeling the nausea, i'd be like, "wo'oh, what's happening, is this normal for me?" as everybody will have their own experience, no 2 pregnancies are the same... each will have its own distinctiveness, as each woman is unique by nature itself... but surely for a same person, she will be feeling some kind of "sameness" in all pregnancy... i am afraid actually... past experience is something that i could not forget, but actually, something that i should let go, if not a year ago, its NOWWWW!!!
Ya Allah, help me, guide me to be strong... I need to be strong... for me, for my Shaiful and for this baby... Please Allah... give me strength... give me hope... let me feel that beautiful feeling without even a tiny doubt...
If we hold on together...
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
My tiny dot... something funny... and secret
I've just came back from Columbia Asia Specialist Centre to check on my pregnancy. I was introduced to my new Doctor, Dr. Aida Esa, an ex UM grad. We did some scanning just now with 'half-emptied' bladder, as the nurse asked me to check my sugar level before meeting the Doctor. My darling is still a tiny dot right now, Dr could only assume it's location from the white shadow that appeared in the screen... Please be strong... Ya Allah, give me the strength and faith...
The funny thing is...
Radin Harsyeka, you are really something!!! I thought of not mentioning about this pregnancy till we are ready to tell. Ready? Don’t know when we'd be ready though... But it's her luck (should be), that she found out about this blog, and got to know that i am pregnant... ahahahaha... i was surprised when she asked me whether i have got something that i have not told her / have yet to tell her... ahahaha... couldn't stop thinking about her so-called unplanned search... takper takper... just keep the news to yourself k syeka? I'll do the announcement when the time comes...
Wooo... there's one more thing... shairel called me, and midway, the conversation suddenly turned to conceiving... her question was, "have you ever been pregnant again since you miscarried?" or better in Sarawak Malay, "kitak sikda berisik agik kah kak guran ria?"... i was stunned for a moment before covering it up with a question about Ma'yah... hope she didn't realise that i was trying to change the subject.
How well would we be in keeping this big news a secret? I won't be surprised if we could not shut this beautiful thing out from everybody for long... I will have to tell mama and babah... still dont know when, but will surely have to tell soon... they will be coming here, and i am sure they can easily read the symptoms. I'd be a weak mama pass 5 pm... my head spins like roller coaster... and i could not stand for long with that kind of feeling... so, just like what i've written earlier, when the time comes, then the time comes...
The funny thing is...
Radin Harsyeka, you are really something!!! I thought of not mentioning about this pregnancy till we are ready to tell. Ready? Don’t know when we'd be ready though... But it's her luck (should be), that she found out about this blog, and got to know that i am pregnant... ahahahaha... i was surprised when she asked me whether i have got something that i have not told her / have yet to tell her... ahahaha... couldn't stop thinking about her so-called unplanned search... takper takper... just keep the news to yourself k syeka? I'll do the announcement when the time comes...
Wooo... there's one more thing... shairel called me, and midway, the conversation suddenly turned to conceiving... her question was, "have you ever been pregnant again since you miscarried?" or better in Sarawak Malay, "kitak sikda berisik agik kah kak guran ria?"... i was stunned for a moment before covering it up with a question about Ma'yah... hope she didn't realise that i was trying to change the subject.
How well would we be in keeping this big news a secret? I won't be surprised if we could not shut this beautiful thing out from everybody for long... I will have to tell mama and babah... still dont know when, but will surely have to tell soon... they will be coming here, and i am sure they can easily read the symptoms. I'd be a weak mama pass 5 pm... my head spins like roller coaster... and i could not stand for long with that kind of feeling... so, just like what i've written earlier, when the time comes, then the time comes...
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
Refering to my 9th May entry... that's why the sequel...
That's why i'm feeling better nowadays. I've been feeling good since i persevere from my so-called flu. This time, the aching is different, but the energetic and fresh feeling is quite the same. I tend to break free easily from my pillow. I could not sleep really well at night but i feel good every morning... since a week ago, maybe?
I really hope this time i could bring this pregnancy to full term... I want to start my family, just like Anatan, she's going to have the third one soon. Eventhough Sepu and I are still living apart, we will have to think about the arrangement once we are both out of the amazement with the understanding that we are going to have baby(ies) soon. Yeahaaa…
I’ve gone through the same feeling, like a year ago??? And I can still remember how my heart shattered when I miscarried. I'm hopeful to do everything right this time. I’ll still place my hope high, but I’d be more patient. I wont load myself with all those unnecessary thoughts (negatively unnecessary mostly) like what I used to do… I planned to let things go one at a time, and have a serene pregnancy. I wont let my work life once again jeopardize my chance. Be more relax… yaaa… cool!!!
Nobody knows about this news yet. I’m jotting this here because I have not given anybody the link to my blog except for Sepu. I don’t really know when is the best day to break the news but let just leave it as it is… when the time comes, then the time comes…
Thank you Allah for your great kindness.
Please help us go through this hopeful journey, with your blessings.
I really hope this time i could bring this pregnancy to full term... I want to start my family, just like Anatan, she's going to have the third one soon. Eventhough Sepu and I are still living apart, we will have to think about the arrangement once we are both out of the amazement with the understanding that we are going to have baby(ies) soon. Yeahaaa…
I’ve gone through the same feeling, like a year ago??? And I can still remember how my heart shattered when I miscarried. I'm hopeful to do everything right this time. I’ll still place my hope high, but I’d be more patient. I wont load myself with all those unnecessary thoughts (negatively unnecessary mostly) like what I used to do… I planned to let things go one at a time, and have a serene pregnancy. I wont let my work life once again jeopardize my chance. Be more relax… yaaa… cool!!!
Nobody knows about this news yet. I’m jotting this here because I have not given anybody the link to my blog except for Sepu. I don’t really know when is the best day to break the news but let just leave it as it is… when the time comes, then the time comes…
Thank you Allah for your great kindness.
Please help us go through this hopeful journey, with your blessings.
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