Hari Raya Haji...

Sepu and I thought of celebrating in Miri, and invite some of our friends for makan-makan kecil, but suddenly yesterday, my parents missing my daughter so much syndrome was getting so hard to dismiss that they have made the decision to sponsor our air tickets Myy-Kch-Myy...

They have been thinking of coming to Miri for quite sometimes, but later on, the plan was deemed as impractical and "not to be entertained" anymore... As, Dedek would be left in Kuching alone because she has just started working, while Aedun would find it hard to choose between Miri and Kuching.

So, we are coming back Kuching this Raya Haji... & my parents is going to pay for the tickets yeayyy...

Kisah Kuching dan Lain2

Seronoknya balik kampung hujung minggu yang lalu... yang paling seronok adalah irdina kerana ramai sungguhla orang yang melayan kerenahnya... but, semakin besar anak mama, semakin kurang la pulak dia cranky. Sekarang ni kalau nak tidur, dia baring je kat memana (janji selesa dan ada bantal or tilam), mintak susu, dan lenalah dia di la la land...

Kisah irdina ni, kalau nak diceritakan memang panjang. Macam2 gelagat yang mencuit perasaan. Dengan mulutnya yang tak reti diam, asyik bercakap saja, ditambahkan lagi dengan kakinya yang juga tak reti diam, asyik nak berjalan, memanjat (sampai jatuh)... seronok! Setiap malam kat Miri dia akan minta dipasangkan lagu, dan apalagi, mulalah dia berkaraoke dengan Tempo the Tiger... Tempo the Ti I I I ger memang lagu favorite dia sekarang ni, selain daripada Twinkle Twinkle Little Star... kalau kita dah nyanyikan sekali, sure dia demand "agik"... Kalau dengar music rancak, especially dance music, mulalah badan dan kepala bergoyang ikut irama...

Balik kepada cerita di Kuching... kami sampai hari Khamis, malam... balik rumah, terus tidur sebab kepenatan. Esok paginya, mama irdina dah janji dengan tukang urut, nak berurut seluruh badan... fuiyo, 4 jam... sungguh sedap rasa badan... Irdina pun sampai tertidur kat sebelah mama sebab penat sangat menunggu, main sorang2... kesian anak mama... tapi sporting sungguhla irdina, thank you. Lepas berurut, hajat hati nak tidur, tapi apakan dayaku, susah sungguh nak tidur siang, jadi mama baring-baring je sebelah irdina sambil 'membaca' catalogue :p

Malamnya, babah irdina balik, sampai Kuching dalam 12.00am (dah kira the next day sebenarnya)... irdina tak ikut amik kat airport sebab dia dah tidur pukul 11.00mlm... Kat Kuching, waktu tidur irdina memang dah tak keruan, sebab dia asyik nak main je, lagipun ramai la pulak orang2 yang sanggup melayannya bermain.

Hari Sabtu, takde apa yang menarik sangat pun, cuma kami semua mula berpakat apa yang nak dibeli utk Bucu yang akan konvo keesokan harinya. Hajat hati kami nak buat semuanya as surprise, but akhirnya terpaksa jugakla pecah satu rahsia - baju kurung utk konvo... takleh nak memilih kat butik tu, banyak sangat choice sampai rambang mata, lagipun takut tak kena dengan taste orang yang nak memakainya. Bucu pilih baju kurung warna purple yang sangat cantik and buatkan dia nampak sangat slim.

Hari Ahad, bermula seawal mungkin. Bucu ke Four Points Hotel dulu, sementara Atuk, Nenek and Ami Aedun pergi ke rumah kawan Babah, yang baru meninggal petang semalamnya. Innalillah... Mereka pergi sekejap je, lepas tu, Aedun hantar mama and babah ke hotel pulak, sementara Sepu, Irdina and I memulakan ekspedisi mencari bunga... kami beli 3 jambak bunga, 1 daisy, 1 chrysanthemum, 1 red roses...

Tak sempat pun menghadiri upacara sebab terpaksa amik Dek Ina and Edos di Semariang, grrr geram gak kenapa dorang tak plan awal2. Tapi kami sampai sejurus selepas upacara selesai, semasa mereka sedang seronok mengambil gambar beramai2... Bucu was really surprised and rasa nak nangis to receive the 3 bouquets of flowers... ditambah dengan 1 teddy bear + 1 kuma-kuma... Ada kawan-kawannya langsung tak mendapat apa-apa... rasa sedih la pulak tengok mereka ni... Sempat juga kami mengambil gambar keluarga, apart from gambar solo dedek dengan diplomanya... Will paste them here soon.

Babah Irdina balik ke KL malam tu... irdina macam dah tahu apa maknanya babah masuk ke dalam balai berlepas tu... dia menangis dengan kuat, taknak lepaskan babahnya... dan seperti biasa, nangis tu cuma gimik kot, supaya babahnya tak pergi... but, bila babahnya pergi jugak walaupun dia menangis, dia pun terusla melambai sambil menjerit sekuat hati, "babai babah, babai babah"... manatak orang yang melihatnya geram...

Hari Isnin, mama mulakan pagi dengan menghantar Bucu ke Training Centre... sure heran orang tengok hantar adik kerja pun siap peluk2 bagai... pedulikan apa orang kata! Lepas tu mama ke kubur Arruh Eddie... Balik ke rumah, bermulalah aktiviti mengemas barang, nak balik Miri :( Irdina macam tau je nak balik... Atuk pulak mula menjauhkan diri, takut rindu. Macam tu lah selalunya, dia takkan layan Irdina setiap last day kat Kuching... dia kata, "takut Irdina tercari2", padahal i know that dia takut dia yang tercari2.

Masa kat airport tu, Irdina bukan main suka lagi bermain dengan beg Princess nya, ditariknya ke hulu ke hilir... macam takkan tahan lama je rodanya kalau tiap hari dibuat macam tu. Masa masuk tu dia tetap dengan cerianya, melambai2 pada semua yang di luar... padahal sebelum tu, masam je muka taknak bersalam... kesiannya anak mama...

Dalam kapal terbang seperti selalu, anak mama takkan dok diam... dia akan turun naik seat, memanjat, menjerit dan sebagainya. Kali ni mama biarkan Irdina turun naik tangga dari terminal ke kapal terbang sendiri biar dia penat, tapi masih jugak dia tak tidur dalam flight... ermmm... macam mama je, liat sungguhla nak tidur, biarlah penat macamana sekalipun, mama kena ada tempat selesa baru boleh pejamkan mata.

Irdina cuma tertidur masa dalam kereta Uncle Bujang nak balik ke Lutong. Penat sangatla tu... tidurnya sampai ke pagi...

Bermulalah minggu2 sunyi hingga babah balik Miri in 3 weeks time... kesian irdina, kesian mama!

Pagi ini...

Pagi tadi masa nak hantar irdina ke rumah babysitter, cum on the way nak pegi kerja, adala sebuah kereta tu undur nak keluar dr kawasan rumah... UNDUR dengan LAJUnya... aduiii... maka i pon tekanla brek, tak ingat yang kat belakang ada periuk makanan irdina yang dah siap masak. Lepas tu hidungku terciumla bau sup irdina yang dah tumpah, melimpah kat seat belakang... wuaaaaa...bukannya sedih sbb kereta kotor, sedih sebab makanan tu dah takleh nak di makan... dah bergelimpangan segala ayam sayur :(( sedihnya... penat memasak pagi2... bukan rezeki... tapi still sedih melihat makanan tu jatuh... rasa nak menyumpah seranah je pagi2... dahla driver tu dengan senyumnya terus berlalu je, walaupun nampak aku kalut menahan beg berisi periuk daripada jatuh... cisss... inconsiderate sungguh...

Wahai driver2 sekalian, berhati2lah ketika memandu, kekadang tu kita buat silap tapi orang lain yang susah, org lain yang menerima akibatnya...

The Irreplaceable Void

I received this in my email this afternoon... A story worth sharing:

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation: "Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight , I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'.

But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.

Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain.

I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: "But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say..... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly.

On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart.... Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men: Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable. Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.

For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.

Mama gogok?

Last night, lepas balik dari farewell dinner LQ Team, dan lepas mengelap badan Irdina yang melekit2 ditumpah makanan dan minuman, mulalah aktivitiku menidurkannya (sometimes a difficult task, but sometimes senangla pulak). Bila tengok Irdina pejam je, I quietly stepped down from the bed and mulakan exercise untuk kurangkan sakit belakang yang since tadi tersangatla menyiksakan. Setelah dengan jayanya menghilangkan terus kesakitan dengan senaman yang aku belajar masa aerobik, aku pun apalagi, bangunla… tetiba je tengok muka Irdina terjengol kat sebalik bantal peluknya, melopong seolah terkejut sambil berkata, “aaaa, mama tido, gogok, tacit”… I was like, ‘alahai anak mama, baiknya!!!’ Aku terus peluk dia and said, “neyda mama gogok, tapi mama sakit”… aku cium dia, dia cium balik… lagilah ‘alahai anak mama’… nampaknya Irdina dah mula tunjukkan compassion and empathy… good girl anak mama… muahhhh…

lagi?

Why am i still feeling tense? Padahal semalam dah diconfirmkan yang JG4 and below tak payah re-apply for position. ermmm... Mungkin sebab issue pindah KL yang tak settle2 kot. Susahnya bila takde orang nak guide nak buat apa :(

aku tension...

rasa tension ini bukan saja di kepala, tapi juga sudah di hati... tension pasal kerja pun boleh begini ek???

Last night i dreamed about...

the work i have been thinking about since i dont know when.... the outstanding task, the difficult task of negotiating the rates for FSR with one of the vendor... alahai... sampai mimpi2... macam real je.

Driver Driver Wherefore Art Thou, Please Come Home!

I couldn't find the drive to work? Wherever you are driver, please come back.

Is this laziness the side effect of long raya leave? Or was it the uncertainties due to the transition the cause? What i know is that, i have this feeling of worries inside me, that i could not let out, leave aside letting go! Nobody knows whats going to happen within these 3 remaining months. I have a CBD that stated only Awareness for all th elements, certainly getting it done like that was a mistake... but Boss is always right! Sure? I need to beef up the CBD, before my round of MOR.

Please please please come back driver, wherefore art thou...