Of all the days in the year, I should be happy today, but I am not…
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Friday, 26 November 2010
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
The Irreplaceable Void
I received this in my email this afternoon... A story worth sharing:
4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation: "Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight , I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'.
But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.
Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain.
I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: "But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say..... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly.
On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart.... Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men: Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable. Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.
4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation: "Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight , I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'.
But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.
Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain.
I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: "But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say..... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly.
On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart.... Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men: Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable. Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Tribute to a Friend
We lost our friend, a colleague today...
I was shocked to learn about her death this morning... She's still young and she has suffered from cancer (from breast to bone) for more than 2 years now... but, she died of pneumonia... they said it was H1N1...
Rest in Peace Agnes L.U.
Update:
Actually, she did not die from H1N1... she died of lung collapse due to infection, side effect from her cancer. Went to her wake just now... not many people there, but people are still coming from all over Sarawak to see her for the last time. Her sister, who works for Shell Oman will be arriving at KLIA tonight. Her funeral is set on Friday...
I was shocked to learn about her death this morning... She's still young and she has suffered from cancer (from breast to bone) for more than 2 years now... but, she died of pneumonia... they said it was H1N1...
Rest in Peace Agnes L.U.
Update:
Actually, she did not die from H1N1... she died of lung collapse due to infection, side effect from her cancer. Went to her wake just now... not many people there, but people are still coming from all over Sarawak to see her for the last time. Her sister, who works for Shell Oman will be arriving at KLIA tonight. Her funeral is set on Friday...
Friday, 26 June 2009
Shocked...
Sepu called me just now...
Sepu: Yang, kita ada berita buruk ni...
Me: Apa? Micheal Jackson meninggal?
Sepu: Sayang ni spoil je...
I laughed, but deep inside, i also feel a bit sad... ermmm... i dont really adore Michael Jackson, but nobody can deny that he's a legend. And having a legend passed so suddenly is definitely shocking.
Somebody asked me about his religion just now. And i answered, "lets just observe on how he's buried"... This will shed some light, hopefully.
Sepu: Yang, kita ada berita buruk ni...
Me: Apa? Micheal Jackson meninggal?
Sepu: Sayang ni spoil je...
I laughed, but deep inside, i also feel a bit sad... ermmm... i dont really adore Michael Jackson, but nobody can deny that he's a legend. And having a legend passed so suddenly is definitely shocking.
Somebody asked me about his religion just now. And i answered, "lets just observe on how he's buried"... This will shed some light, hopefully.
Friday, 15 May 2009
News
Read in newspaper today, about a girl who wrapped her newborn baby, in a garbage bag, soon after birth, while still alive. 3 days after, the baby was found dead, due to suffocation. What a mother could do that to a child? Ya Allah, what will happen to this society if a mother could kill her own child to keep secret her sins? A mother would do everything to protect her child...
I could feel my blood boiling while reading the news. I have always wanted lots of children of my own, and the dream came true only after 3 years of marriage. All those hoping and prayers, to hold my own child at last paid off, with the birth of our beloved Irdina.
I pledged myself not to harm my children in anyway possible, physically and emotionally, hence i am asking your guidance Ya Allah, please lead me to be a good mother to my children, and my children to be good, to us their parents, to the society, and above all, to you, the Creator and the Din, Islam.
Ya Allah, jadikanlah kami ibu2 yang menyayangi anaknya dengan sepenuh jiwa, dan jadikanlah anak2 kami anak2 yang beriman kepadamu. Lindungilah anak2 kami drpd segala mara bahaya... yang kami sedari mahupun yang kami tidak sedari.
I could feel my blood boiling while reading the news. I have always wanted lots of children of my own, and the dream came true only after 3 years of marriage. All those hoping and prayers, to hold my own child at last paid off, with the birth of our beloved Irdina.
I pledged myself not to harm my children in anyway possible, physically and emotionally, hence i am asking your guidance Ya Allah, please lead me to be a good mother to my children, and my children to be good, to us their parents, to the society, and above all, to you, the Creator and the Din, Islam.
Ya Allah, jadikanlah kami ibu2 yang menyayangi anaknya dengan sepenuh jiwa, dan jadikanlah anak2 kami anak2 yang beriman kepadamu. Lindungilah anak2 kami drpd segala mara bahaya... yang kami sedari mahupun yang kami tidak sedari.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Menangis
I cried and cried... for Baby Zulaikha...
Al Fatihah... to the family, especially to Zulaikha's mother, may the truth prevails, may Allah gives you strength.
Update:
Frustrated that the site has now been closed to invited readers only... but they must have got a good reason for doing this...
Al Fatihah... to the family, especially to Zulaikha's mother, may the truth prevails, may Allah gives you strength.
Update:
Frustrated that the site has now been closed to invited readers only... but they must have got a good reason for doing this...
Thursday, 8 January 2009
My prayer for you...
For all Palestinian children... my love and prayer for you lil darlings... be brave... i am so helpless as i could only cry seeing you suffer the way they made you... i will do something... please Allah, give me more, so that i could give more...
The reason for this entry - received an email with lots of pictures of the war in Gaza... i cried my heart out...
The reason for this entry - received an email with lots of pictures of the war in Gaza... i cried my heart out...
Monday, 13 October 2008
Irdina cried...
Irdina did not sleep well last night... She cried and cried (loud and non-stop) due to stomach discomfort... and what did i do while she's crying? I cried along... sob sob... She only stopped at around 2am after 3 intermittent sessions (around 15 to 30 minutes each) of crying... Woke up again at around 5am, crying again but this time wanting "nennen"... At times like this, i feel like quitting and join Sepu in KL...
This morning, her eyes were swolen because of the crying... and mama's heart cried again looking at her sad little face... she was still asleep when i carried her to the car just now... and she just kept quiet... mama's baby, sorry for not knowing what to do... and sorry to ever let you feel such pain :((
I pity Irdina a lot... she has to adapt herself to so many situations, situations that could even make an adult confused... most of the time she's with mama, and ofcourse with the BS' family... sometimes her babah would be there for her... and once in a blue moon, she'll get to see her atuk and nenek and ami and bucu, and even her Tok Inah... but she has a strength that i admire, which really helps her to accustome herself to situations fast... she's very friendly and very accepting! mmuahhh mmuahhh Irdina... I love you baby... be strong okay?
Please ya Allah... let us be together as a family soon... please... i couldn't pursuade my heart and mind to accept this loneliness anymore... loneliness in the sense of facing these kind of situations alone, not knowing of what to act or do, crying along with Irdina while asking her to stop her cries... please ya Allah... please give to Irdina good health, please give to her strength to face every ups and downs throughout...
This morning, her eyes were swolen because of the crying... and mama's heart cried again looking at her sad little face... she was still asleep when i carried her to the car just now... and she just kept quiet... mama's baby, sorry for not knowing what to do... and sorry to ever let you feel such pain :((
I pity Irdina a lot... she has to adapt herself to so many situations, situations that could even make an adult confused... most of the time she's with mama, and ofcourse with the BS' family... sometimes her babah would be there for her... and once in a blue moon, she'll get to see her atuk and nenek and ami and bucu, and even her Tok Inah... but she has a strength that i admire, which really helps her to accustome herself to situations fast... she's very friendly and very accepting! mmuahhh mmuahhh Irdina... I love you baby... be strong okay?
Please ya Allah... let us be together as a family soon... please... i couldn't pursuade my heart and mind to accept this loneliness anymore... loneliness in the sense of facing these kind of situations alone, not knowing of what to act or do, crying along with Irdina while asking her to stop her cries... please ya Allah... please give to Irdina good health, please give to her strength to face every ups and downs throughout...
Friday, 19 September 2008
Mok passed away... Alfatihah...
Mok passed away yesterday evening at around 6pm... on Friday night and in the month of Ramadhan... Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat oleh Allah. Alfatihah...
As sad as the news is, something changed my cloudy mood today... I'm happier because of something... thank you sayang. That certainly made my day :*
May days after this be filled with more happiness...
Friday, 29 August 2008
Al Fatihah...
Uncle, Alfatihah for you...
I could still remember hearing your voice thru the telephone greeting me Selamat Hari Raya a few years back, before you fall sick... Could still remember you calling me superstar... Could still remember that Malam Gema Budaya...
Photo from budiey.com
Seniman Ahmad Mahmud selamat disemadikan...
PETALING JAYA: “Arwah tidak pesan apa-apa. Kalau bercakap, dia hanya beri petanda angguk atau geleng saja. Tapi dua tiga hari lalu, dia tidak beri respon lagi,” kata Datin Khatijah Mohamed, isteri kepada seniman Datuk Ahmad Mahmud yang meninggal dunia akibat komplikasi buah pinggang.
Ahmad Mahmud yang popular dengan lakonan sebagai Dr Ismadi dalam filem Ibu Mertuaku menghembuskan nafas terakhir di kediamannya di Kampung Tunku, di sini kira-kira jam 10 malam kelmarin.
Allahyarham yang menghidap sakit buah pinggang pernah menjalani rawatan haemodialisis tiga kali seminggu selama tujuh tahun. Pada 22 Julai lalu, Allahyarham dimasukkan ke Pusat Perubatan Pantai, Kuala Lumpur dan dibenarkan keluar pada 18 Ogos lalu.
Kata Khatijah, sewaktu dalam keadaan tidak sedar mereka sekeluarga ada di sisinya dan membaca Yasin beramai-ramai.
“Sepanjang hidup bersama, arwah seorang suami yang penyayang dan kami selalu pergi ke mana-mana majlis berdua. Sewaktu hayatnya, arwah seorang pelakon yang dikenali ramai dan saya tidak cemburu dengan popularitinya.
“Arwah seorang yang suka berlawak dan membuat orang ketawa. Dia paling tidak suka orang sombong seperti sesetengah artis muda sekarang,” katanya yang mendirikan rumahtangga dengan Ahmad Mahmud pada 17 Julai 1950.
Allahyarham yang dilahirkan pada 3 Januari 1923 di Rembau, Negeri Sembilan meninggalkan seorang balu, tiga anak iaitu Rogayah, 56; Siti Fatimah, 54, dan Mohd Ariffin, 52, serta sembilan cucu dan seorang cicit.
Jenazah Allahyarham disembahyangkan di Masjid Ar-Rahman, Kampung Tunku sebelum dikebumikan di Tanah Perkuburan Islam Bukit Kiara selepas Zuhur semalam.
I could still remember hearing your voice thru the telephone greeting me Selamat Hari Raya a few years back, before you fall sick... Could still remember you calling me superstar... Could still remember that Malam Gema Budaya...
Photo from budiey.com
Seniman Ahmad Mahmud selamat disemadikan...
PETALING JAYA: “Arwah tidak pesan apa-apa. Kalau bercakap, dia hanya beri petanda angguk atau geleng saja. Tapi dua tiga hari lalu, dia tidak beri respon lagi,” kata Datin Khatijah Mohamed, isteri kepada seniman Datuk Ahmad Mahmud yang meninggal dunia akibat komplikasi buah pinggang.
Ahmad Mahmud yang popular dengan lakonan sebagai Dr Ismadi dalam filem Ibu Mertuaku menghembuskan nafas terakhir di kediamannya di Kampung Tunku, di sini kira-kira jam 10 malam kelmarin.
Allahyarham yang menghidap sakit buah pinggang pernah menjalani rawatan haemodialisis tiga kali seminggu selama tujuh tahun. Pada 22 Julai lalu, Allahyarham dimasukkan ke Pusat Perubatan Pantai, Kuala Lumpur dan dibenarkan keluar pada 18 Ogos lalu.
Kata Khatijah, sewaktu dalam keadaan tidak sedar mereka sekeluarga ada di sisinya dan membaca Yasin beramai-ramai.
“Sepanjang hidup bersama, arwah seorang suami yang penyayang dan kami selalu pergi ke mana-mana majlis berdua. Sewaktu hayatnya, arwah seorang pelakon yang dikenali ramai dan saya tidak cemburu dengan popularitinya.
“Arwah seorang yang suka berlawak dan membuat orang ketawa. Dia paling tidak suka orang sombong seperti sesetengah artis muda sekarang,” katanya yang mendirikan rumahtangga dengan Ahmad Mahmud pada 17 Julai 1950.
Allahyarham yang dilahirkan pada 3 Januari 1923 di Rembau, Negeri Sembilan meninggalkan seorang balu, tiga anak iaitu Rogayah, 56; Siti Fatimah, 54, dan Mohd Ariffin, 52, serta sembilan cucu dan seorang cicit.
Jenazah Allahyarham disembahyangkan di Masjid Ar-Rahman, Kampung Tunku sebelum dikebumikan di Tanah Perkuburan Islam Bukit Kiara selepas Zuhur semalam.
Sunday, 24 August 2008
Friday, 14 December 2007
Family matter...
Today, i found my brother's blog... made me cry... touched with what he felt / had been feeling all this while...
I have 2 brothers and a little sister... The younger brother passed away 5 years ago at the tender age 19... Now we are 3 in numbers instead of four.
I love all of them with my whole heart... missing them every minute... thinking about them, what are they doing, are they happy? But they will never know this... I could only call them once in a while... sometimes, i would be there with them, but only sometimes... It would be like this, had been like this for a long time. I was always far away... but rest assure, i've never been apart... they are always on my mind, forever in my heart...
About my brother, aedun's blog...
He sounds lonely, i could feel that... and he has lost touch with himself... he needs something to pull him through the blackness that has been engulfing his life since... since when... i do not know... From the way that he's written the blog, he has no more relationship with his long stretched long distance girlfriend... but i could feel that they remained as friends since.... When did this happen? Started long time ago, i presume...
Their relationship has never been easy... Mama was reluctant at first, dont know why... maybe the distance? I've asked her about her feelings, and she denied of not liking the girl... it was just that somebody's going to take her son from her. She needed assurance that she will not lose anything by giving away his 'baby boy'... All mothers feel this way, dont they? ermmm... maybe not all...
How about her parents? They would be feeling the same way i guess... but they have acted differently when our family visited them way back in November 2002... 4 months before eddie passed away...
I always like the girl... for me, as long as she loves my brother and is willing to be by his side, for better and for worse... nothing else matter... she has been a great friend... and I know that she would become a great sister in law too... But when will this happen? Or would this happen?
Love is blind???
Long distance relationships do not always end with break-ups... I've faced the same thing, but luckily for me... our relationship is blessed...
I would like to see my brother found his happiness... amiin... Please... find your happiness Dun... nobody can help you... reluctance are just excuses... find ways if you really want to be happy... if you want what you want... dont pity yourself... strive... please strive!!!
My sister is coming tomorrow, it's her school holiday... and the brother will be here starting 25/12/2007, until i give birth... then we'll be going back together, to Kuching. It has been 2 months since my last trip... and in January, will be back there with the new addition to the family, amiin...
My husband is also coming next week, till 02/01/2008... and he'll be on call then... waiting for the labor!
I have 2 brothers and a little sister... The younger brother passed away 5 years ago at the tender age 19... Now we are 3 in numbers instead of four.
I love all of them with my whole heart... missing them every minute... thinking about them, what are they doing, are they happy? But they will never know this... I could only call them once in a while... sometimes, i would be there with them, but only sometimes... It would be like this, had been like this for a long time. I was always far away... but rest assure, i've never been apart... they are always on my mind, forever in my heart...
About my brother, aedun's blog...
He sounds lonely, i could feel that... and he has lost touch with himself... he needs something to pull him through the blackness that has been engulfing his life since... since when... i do not know... From the way that he's written the blog, he has no more relationship with his long stretched long distance girlfriend... but i could feel that they remained as friends since.... When did this happen? Started long time ago, i presume...
Their relationship has never been easy... Mama was reluctant at first, dont know why... maybe the distance? I've asked her about her feelings, and she denied of not liking the girl... it was just that somebody's going to take her son from her. She needed assurance that she will not lose anything by giving away his 'baby boy'... All mothers feel this way, dont they? ermmm... maybe not all...
How about her parents? They would be feeling the same way i guess... but they have acted differently when our family visited them way back in November 2002... 4 months before eddie passed away...
I always like the girl... for me, as long as she loves my brother and is willing to be by his side, for better and for worse... nothing else matter... she has been a great friend... and I know that she would become a great sister in law too... But when will this happen? Or would this happen?
Love is blind???
Long distance relationships do not always end with break-ups... I've faced the same thing, but luckily for me... our relationship is blessed...
I would like to see my brother found his happiness... amiin... Please... find your happiness Dun... nobody can help you... reluctance are just excuses... find ways if you really want to be happy... if you want what you want... dont pity yourself... strive... please strive!!!
My sister is coming tomorrow, it's her school holiday... and the brother will be here starting 25/12/2007, until i give birth... then we'll be going back together, to Kuching. It has been 2 months since my last trip... and in January, will be back there with the new addition to the family, amiin...
My husband is also coming next week, till 02/01/2008... and he'll be on call then... waiting for the labor!
Thursday, 24 May 2007
I just dont know what to do with myself...
Most of the time, it's easier to just give up than being hopeful... I can feel that every nerve and every tiny piece of my cells and tissues are giving up...
This is not sadness, this is madness... I'm not only mad at myself, but I am losing faith... I could not think right... Please Allah... I wanted to ask you why, but I’m hopeless, really hopeless at the moment... and I realise that you know what I am feeling inside without me even begging you for guidance… How could I beg something that has been fated as ‘not going to happen’?
I have never been like this, never felt like this… I’ve never give up in whatever I did before… 31 year old I am now, and I’ve never given up hope, not even once… I’ve never lost my faith in whatever it is…
I could no more imagine of holding my own baby (ies)… our baby (ies), sepu and mine… as I’m no more into it… Whatever happens for a reason, so they say... what if that whatever is happening happens twice? I could not get myself to think of trying again, and again… and yet the effort itself fails me…
I’m not going to pray to have any baby or even babies soon… but I need somebody to pray for me, that I will not lose hope, and lose faith…
I have never act this way… whatever I do, I know, Allah is always there watching me… but now, I feel like giving up everything… everything that is by all means!!!
This is not sadness, this is madness... I'm not only mad at myself, but I am losing faith... I could not think right... Please Allah... I wanted to ask you why, but I’m hopeless, really hopeless at the moment... and I realise that you know what I am feeling inside without me even begging you for guidance… How could I beg something that has been fated as ‘not going to happen’?
I have never been like this, never felt like this… I’ve never give up in whatever I did before… 31 year old I am now, and I’ve never given up hope, not even once… I’ve never lost my faith in whatever it is…
I could no more imagine of holding my own baby (ies)… our baby (ies), sepu and mine… as I’m no more into it… Whatever happens for a reason, so they say... what if that whatever is happening happens twice? I could not get myself to think of trying again, and again… and yet the effort itself fails me…
I’m not going to pray to have any baby or even babies soon… but I need somebody to pray for me, that I will not lose hope, and lose faith…
I have never act this way… whatever I do, I know, Allah is always there watching me… but now, I feel like giving up everything… everything that is by all means!!!
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