I just dont know what to do with myself...

Most of the time, it's easier to just give up than being hopeful... I can feel that every nerve and every tiny piece of my cells and tissues are giving up...

This is not sadness, this is madness... I'm not only mad at myself, but I am losing faith... I could not think right... Please Allah... I wanted to ask you why, but I’m hopeless, really hopeless at the moment... and I realise that you know what I am feeling inside without me even begging you for guidance… How could I beg something that has been fated as ‘not going to happen’?

I have never been like this, never felt like this… I’ve never give up in whatever I did before… 31 year old I am now, and I’ve never given up hope, not even once… I’ve never lost my faith in whatever it is…

I could no more imagine of holding my own baby (ies)… our baby (ies), sepu and mine… as I’m no more into it… Whatever happens for a reason, so they say... what if that whatever is happening happens twice? I could not get myself to think of trying again, and again… and yet the effort itself fails me…

I’m not going to pray to have any baby or even babies soon… but I need somebody to pray for me, that I will not lose hope, and lose faith…

I have never act this way… whatever I do, I know, Allah is always there watching me… but now, I feel like giving up everything… everything that is by all means!!!

HOPEFULNESS OR HOPELESSNESS?

Did scanning again today but could not locate any sac. Came out from Doctor’s office near to tears, as if everything is hopeless. Dr remained positive and asked me to wait for another 2 weeks to confirm again but I am just in a very negative mood right now to even think of what is going to happen after 2 weeks.

Would this be a second time my own body shatter the hope that it created? Sepu asked me not to cry but how could I not? I have faced this situation once, and I am afraid that I would have to face the same hopelessness again, and again, and again…

How can i be strong?

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today, i'm celebrating my 31st birthday... feeling old? nahhhh... I'm feeling good... nausea here and there, something that is most welcome at this stage ahahaha... some people might not agree with me, but this dizziness, uncomfortable it may be, but yet beautiful...

Celebrating birthday alone? nahhhh, i'm celebrating mine with friends. I'm going to KL this afternoon, and i have plan to treat myself with self-bought presents... ehehehe... Weekend??? Sayang, I'm counting days, get my present(s) ready :p

Cravings

"i'm sitting here right now, craving to be near him instead of sitting this side of the monitor... wuaaaa"





"an instinct to go shopping... ahahaha without planning, i parked my car at Desmond furniture and started choosing, a shoe and a book cabinets... here's my new book cabinet... ahahaha... these are books in Miri only, i'd be needing more cabinets for all my (our) books (counting Kuching, Singapore and KL)... wooooohhhhh... as for shoes, i tend to realise that i have lots of them and will certainly need bigger shoe cabinet :p"

I am too calculative!!!

I am not calculating debts though... i am calculating my symptoms... Doctor advised me to watch out for my symptoms. I should be more relaxed, and not calculating each day and each symptoms... measuring how hurt, how long... gossshhhh... more anxious moment will come in later part of the pregnancy, so, i should stop worrying about things that may or may not happen... nauzubillah...

I've promised myself to be cool!!! But i could not!!! Whenever i stop feeling the nausea, i'd be like, "wo'oh, what's happening, is this normal for me?" as everybody will have their own experience, no 2 pregnancies are the same... each will have its own distinctiveness, as each woman is unique by nature itself... but surely for a same person, she will be feeling some kind of "sameness" in all pregnancy... i am afraid actually... past experience is something that i could not forget, but actually, something that i should let go, if not a year ago, its NOWWWW!!!

Ya Allah, help me, guide me to be strong... I need to be strong... for me, for my Shaiful and for this baby... Please Allah... give me strength... give me hope... let me feel that beautiful feeling without even a tiny doubt...

If we hold on together...

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

My tiny dot... something funny... and secret

I've just came back from Columbia Asia Specialist Centre to check on my pregnancy. I was introduced to my new Doctor, Dr. Aida Esa, an ex UM grad. We did some scanning just now with 'half-emptied' bladder, as the nurse asked me to check my sugar level before meeting the Doctor. My darling is still a tiny dot right now, Dr could only assume it's location from the white shadow that appeared in the screen... Please be strong... Ya Allah, give me the strength and faith...

The funny thing is...


Radin Harsyeka, you are really something!!! I thought of not mentioning about this pregnancy till we are ready to tell. Ready? Don’t know when we'd be ready though... But it's her luck (should be), that she found out about this blog, and got to know that i am pregnant... ahahahaha... i was surprised when she asked me whether i have got something that i have not told her / have yet to tell her... ahahaha... couldn't stop thinking about her so-called unplanned search... takper takper... just keep the news to yourself k syeka? I'll do the announcement when the time comes...

Wooo... there's one more thing... shairel called me, and midway, the conversation suddenly turned to conceiving... her question was, "have you ever been pregnant again since you miscarried?" or better in Sarawak Malay, "kitak sikda berisik agik kah kak guran ria?"... i was stunned for a moment before covering it up with a question about Ma'yah... hope she didn't realise that i was trying to change the subject.

How well would we be in keeping this big news a secret? I won't be surprised if we could not shut this beautiful thing out from everybody for long... I will have to tell mama and babah... still dont know when, but will surely have to tell soon... they will be coming here, and i am sure they can easily read the symptoms. I'd be a weak mama pass 5 pm... my head spins like roller coaster... and i could not stand for long with that kind of feeling... so, just like what i've written earlier, when the time comes, then the time comes...

Refering to my 9th May entry... that's why the sequel...

That's why i'm feeling better nowadays. I've been feeling good since i persevere from my so-called flu. This time, the aching is different, but the energetic and fresh feeling is quite the same. I tend to break free easily from my pillow. I could not sleep really well at night but i feel good every morning... since a week ago, maybe?

I really hope this time i could bring this pregnancy to full term... I want to start my family, just like Anatan, she's going to have the third one soon. Eventhough Sepu and I are still living apart, we will have to think about the arrangement once we are both out of the amazement with the understanding that we are going to have baby(ies) soon. Yeahaaa…

I’ve gone through the same feeling, like a year ago??? And I can still remember how my heart shattered when I miscarried. I'm hopeful to do everything right this time. I’ll still place my hope high, but I’d be more patient. I wont load myself with all those unnecessary thoughts (negatively unnecessary mostly) like what I used to do… I planned to let things go one at a time, and have a serene pregnancy. I wont let my work life once again jeopardize my chance. Be more relax… yaaa… cool!!!

Nobody knows about this news yet. I’m jotting this here because I have not given anybody the link to my blog except for Sepu. I don’t really know when is the best day to break the news but let just leave it as it is… when the time comes, then the time comes…

Thank you Allah for your great kindness.
Please help us go through this hopeful journey, with your blessings.

That's why...

I am due 18th January 2008

All greens... with flowers ;)

Wanna share with you my pride... by having gardening as one of my hobbies... roses from my garden... really nice...

My Month End Plan

I'd be celebrating my 31st birthday on the 21st May 2007 (today is 14th May 2007)... expecting lots of presents, ahahaha... no lah... my biggest hope is for Sepu and my family to be in Miri on that day, but end of May and early June meetings would be more than sweet compromise though... I'd be meeting beloved husband in Singapore on the 25th May through 3rd June... then my parents and siblings will be coming here for weekend visit on the 8th through 10th June.

So whats the plan for my ever next Singapore trip ...

1stly, i would like to visit the Malay Heritage Center near Masjid Sultan@ Arab Street.

2nd, i'd like to go on the river cruise... sounds like venice's gondola hehhh...

3rd, wanna take picture(s) at the infamous waterfront lion, fail to recall the name right now.

Jurong Bird Park would be a great 4th provision...

what else???

When will the mid-year sale starts? Will i be there during the sale? ermmm... if yes is the answer, then, there's no doubt that shopping will be my 5th action item.

Anything else? Will tell you in my back from trip report, shall there be something(s) extra...

How about plan for my family visit to Miri then?

1. Ofcoursela trip to Boulevard Shopping Mall (my father/mother's favorite above everything else)

2. Gardening, wakakaka, i planned to buy timber rods and netting, and build my 'green-hut'... change flower pots, buy new plants... ehehehe... best best :p

3. Bring them to the seaside Taman Selera, and eat seafood...

4. Go to Nek Umik's house, a MUST...

Need to go, have meetings the whole of today and tomorrow...

Just an ordinary weekend entry ;)

Started spring cleaning yesterday, not yet finished, so i continue on working on the floor, kitchen and toilet today. Stopped for a while just now to go to the office and prepare things for my Commercial Evaluation Meeting tomorrow. This would be my first commercial meeting, so i'd prefer to be well-versed with all the prices. Thats my weakness, i dont like being labelled as "stupid" or "lack of experience", eventhough i am quite lacking of certain experience, especially on this side of the window :p

I have not finished my task yet, but i am already exhausted from the hard labour. Wished sepu is here to help me with heavy chores. But i dont really carry them actually. I just drag them all the way from the old location to the new. Moved my computer just a short time ago. Trying to 'on' the pc after reassembling all the cables back to their position glued me to this chair. Luckily i got them right the first time. I am not that good or patient with computer or anything related actually. So, consider this my achievement.

I've been online for more than 20 minutes now, but Sepu is still not online. I've invited him to view my webcam, better now as the line is good this afternoon, rather than at night, when the line is poor. Sometimes, really poor. I dont really understand, why is that internet connection in Malaysia is that bad. Sepu always compare streamyx and celcom 3G with internet connections in Japan and Singapore. Eventhough he sounds harsh but i don't have the base to deny him his negative judgement.

It has been nearly one month since i last set foot at KLIA. Missed KL eventhough i dont really like the hectic environment. What i really missed is of Kinokuniya and Nikko Hotel... ahahahaha... yaaaa... i like staying in that hotel. I have yet to receive March and April trips claims (3 in total equivalent of about RM3200++). Called our central finance on Friday, checked my account today, still deficient of that amount. And yet now, i am already looking forward of my next stay at Nikko :D

I better continue on with my chores, at least the labour make me sweat... ahahaha... lack of exercise since i joined Shell, "Work Life Balance"? Really??? I should start the regime soon before the metabolism started to dwindle and decline me of a good shape ;) wakaka, and i can assure you that i am feeling out of one now :p

OK bahbai... will start fresh a new topic, or might continue on this one tonight... c ya babes...

A Friend...

When I think about friends... they make me wonder... some friends are rare gems... some friends just come and go... and some friends are not even fit to be called friends at all... What kind of a friend am I?

I'm a reserved person to those who merely know me, but for my friends, I am not that reserved at all… I don’t really know how to show my appreciation towards my friends, but what I know is that, I’m willing to be by their side, in both happy moments or sad, especially the latter. Sometimes, I don’t even know how to start a conversation, even with someone whom I’ve known for quite sometimes, I am just too anxious. But wait till you know me better, and I know that not everybody will have that chance… Not knowing me does not mean that you are not my friend and that I don’t appreciate the fact that you are my friend… I do appreciate you, no matter what you think or might feel about that…

10 to 20 years ago, I might not be the kind of friend that you want. I was not fun at all. I was serious. I was a bit selfish maybe. And the most distinguished part is that I don’t really talk to everybody. I was just too concerned of whether you like me or you do not like me, I was always bothered whether I’ve made a good impression or a bad one. In my mind, I keep hearing people talk bad about me. Might it be true or might it be false… I should have just let the thoughts go, rather than jeopardize my chance of having decent friends. I’ve so much to complaint that I do not realized that I have only one really good friend each time, not a ring of them. What I have that time were conditional friends (on my part), and I lost the chance to really get to know them. I restricted myself too much. I did not open my mind, and I lost the opportunity to create the best memories between us. I’m sorry for that. If I could start anew, I would do so, will it be too late?

I’ll not be flattered if you give me big presents for my birthday. I have money to buy myself lots of things that my heart desire… what will really touch me is that, whenever you feel that you need somebody’s help or favour, you, without hesitation, come to me… yes… come to me, and ask me to help you! If I could not help you myself, I would certainly find someone who could, or the least I could do, is trying to give you ideas on who to seek for.

Come here to Miri, I’ll bring you around, wherever you want to go, as long as you are willing to sit in my ever modest kancil. Come to Kuching whenever I’m there… and we’ll discover the heritage together…

You know that I’ve break my barrier when I can speak bluntly on whatever topic there is, without hesitation… I’d be more open with my feelings. I may hurt your feelings, and we might be on cold-war for 3 days or more, but I will still value you, regardless of what has been said or done, all be forgotten… as long as we keep the value of our friendship as something sacred.

If you are a friend from my past, please take me for who I am. I am not that self-conscious anymore to realize that I can be friends with anybody I want. For those in my present, you know that you are appreciated, and you know that I’d do anything for you. I’d be your shoulder to cry on and I’d be one of the people to cheer and congratulate you on your moment of glory.

I have a heart full of love for all of you friends out there, may you be those from my high school years, those from my matriculation years or for those from my university years… I started to know and appreciate more the value of one friendship once I entered this ever tough corporate world…

Friends, you are certainly one of the best things, and the memories we’ve crafted together, will always be within me.

Those who warm my heart with their open affections and kindness;

Norliza Bujang, Dayang Syahvina, Nortipah Yassin, Arnida Sharkawi… you are a flock of earth angels.

Lydia Sangu, only Allah knows how I missed you, and been searching for you but to no avail; Maslina Alwi, a beautiful friend of mine, a jovial soul; Siti Hasnah Tanalol, Mate, you are a really good friend, sorry I’ve never told you that when we share the same room, My other roomates... Siha, Ina... where are you? Ruzalina Baharin, you are the most patient, Allahyarham Mohamed Ridzuan Bin Abd Hamid, Al-Fatihah, a good friend indeed, till your last breath; Balkis Omar, I’ll never forget what you have done, when every body else hurt my feeling without even knowing, afraid that my chicken pox will get to them, you give me your room, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Kak Elly (Sharifah Azlina) Ina Tisha; Raihana Raie; Faridatul Amla; Baby Zuraydah; Azwani Sofea (Daemon); Norlia Razali; Nazlin Mohd Nasir; Madiawati Mamat; Kak Che Rogayah; Kak Nurul; thank you for being there for me.

Zolhaidah and Shairelbariyah; both of you have been there all these years, through thick or thin... I love both of you with all my heart.

Baby Zakiah; thank you for being a good and considerate housemate, it has been nearly 3 years.



Radin Harsyeka; someone who is fun to be with, when she’s not in the loop, I can feel that there’s something missing.

Widya Huzana, we shared the same obsession, the same sickness and the same hope ... i'll pray for you, and i know that you are praying for me too... I know i am normal after that talk... you know what!!!

As if she knew that I am writing about friend, my good friend from a year teaching at SMTS, Mdm Fazal Hamid called me, after 5 years… thank you for your friendship, you've been a great friend.

Now that I’ve mentioned some names, I realized that I have good friends indeed… If ever a thought cross your mind that I did not mention your name because I did not appreciate you, you are mistaken. Forgive me for being careless, but nevertheless… I appreciate you.

B11ners PERT Dinner and Sepu's Worry

Last night, B11ners celebrated PERT at Dynasty Hotel. It was a very good dinner, with refreshing entertainments from bosses. Sepu was worried and concerned, as at 11pm, I was still at the hotel, as I’d be driving the 30 minutes journey home alone. When I mentioned Christy’s name, and that we will be going home in convoy, and also the fact that Dynasty Hotel is located in town (he’s used to Marriot and Eastwood Valley location, quite far and remote), then only he calmed down. Usually, at night, we will be in front of our PC, communicating via Skype. But last night, my dinner consumed the allocated time for him… Kesian :p

Feeling Better… Bitter??? Nooo… I’m Feeling Better ;)

I’m feeling rejuvenated… never felt this way since the dreadful incident March 2006… For more than 1 year, I’ve always hesitated to pull myself out of bed every morning. But since yesterday, I feel fresh, even at lunchtime (I usually take my nap at lunchtime). Ermmm… it has been a long time indeed :)

My first entry

I’ve never thought that one day, I’d be having blog-writing as my hobby. And now, here I am, putting words into my 1st entry. I’ve been doing this for quite some times, but only in My Friendster and Myspace. The inspiration to create a blogspot came from Hasnahtan, my beloved ex-rumet, just read her blog this morning ;) and was surprised that she is now in her 38-week pregnancy… wahhhh mate, you’ve left me far behind now with the hike in number ;)

I have no mood to work, since my immediate supervisor told me that he’s leaving for Qatar Petroleum this July… he’s like the best supervisor I’ve ever known and worked with, and now, he’ll not be there for my 2nd year report. Somebody else is going to approve all my personal report(s) and planning(s), and that somebody might be someone with opposite character to AZ’s… wo’ohh… that thought alone gives me pain in the neck.

I should have been doing my TC#7 Questionnaire to D***C now, but it’s too cold in here, apart from the reason(s) given above… and another reason, I’m just feeling lazy… really lazy :p

One more thing, I thought of leaving commercial line, and go back to Engineering. Will I be able to cope? I’d very much like to enter Process world but wont it be too late to start now? Going back to Metering / Instrumentation would never be an option as I never like meddling with electrical and electronic stuff… I want to experience a pure Chemical Engineering work scope… Should I or should I not? Give me your opinion please?

That’s all for now… need to start doing work as my in-folder looks like that its gonna 'vomit' now...

wowww over and done with my first entry ;)