I just dont know what to do with myself...

Most of the time, it's easier to just give up than being hopeful... I can feel that every nerve and every tiny piece of my cells and tissues are giving up...

This is not sadness, this is madness... I'm not only mad at myself, but I am losing faith... I could not think right... Please Allah... I wanted to ask you why, but I’m hopeless, really hopeless at the moment... and I realise that you know what I am feeling inside without me even begging you for guidance… How could I beg something that has been fated as ‘not going to happen’?

I have never been like this, never felt like this… I’ve never give up in whatever I did before… 31 year old I am now, and I’ve never given up hope, not even once… I’ve never lost my faith in whatever it is…

I could no more imagine of holding my own baby (ies)… our baby (ies), sepu and mine… as I’m no more into it… Whatever happens for a reason, so they say... what if that whatever is happening happens twice? I could not get myself to think of trying again, and again… and yet the effort itself fails me…

I’m not going to pray to have any baby or even babies soon… but I need somebody to pray for me, that I will not lose hope, and lose faith…

I have never act this way… whatever I do, I know, Allah is always there watching me… but now, I feel like giving up everything… everything that is by all means!!!

HOPEFULNESS OR HOPELESSNESS?

Did scanning again today but could not locate any sac. Came out from Doctor’s office near to tears, as if everything is hopeless. Dr remained positive and asked me to wait for another 2 weeks to confirm again but I am just in a very negative mood right now to even think of what is going to happen after 2 weeks.

Would this be a second time my own body shatter the hope that it created? Sepu asked me not to cry but how could I not? I have faced this situation once, and I am afraid that I would have to face the same hopelessness again, and again, and again…

How can i be strong?